You Know You're Obsessed with APH When
by Scarlet Hanson
Summary: A random collection of true stories about two Hetalia-crazed teenage girls. :D Human names used, ratings may change.
1. You and Your BFF Text Mostly About APH

Sarah was having quite an interesting conversation with the fairies—yes, _England's_ fairies!—when Yao entered the room.

"Aiyah?" he questioned upon entering. Sarah was the only one in the conference room, yet she seemed to be having quite the talk with someone. "Who are you talking to, aru?"

"The fairies, of course!"

"Uh…" _Not her, too, aru!_

"You see, the other day, I told England—as politely as I could, mind you—that I didn't really care for his tea. He threw this big hissy fit and now bad things keep happening to me! I think he put a curse on me… but no matter! I, along with these wonderful ladies, will help me seek revenge on Arthur! Isn't that right, Lenny?" Sarah asked the empty chair next to her. A dark aura came from the chair, leading to Yao's next question.

"Sarah… is that Busby's chair, aru?"

"Yeah. But having Lenny sit here makes it a bit less evil. You know, the pots of gold and stuff."

"I see. Why isn't he dying, aru?"

"Yao! You're so funny! Fairies and mythical creatures are immune to Busby's chair. Their purity and magic ward away the evil. Oh, see you later, Lenny!" she called after the imaginary fellow.

"Sarah… Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, of course. Never been better. Anyway, as I was saying, the only human who has ever survived the Busby's chair is Ivan, and I'm pretty sure he out-evilled it."

"Uh-huh…" Yao was suddenly overcome by the sickening aura emanating from the chair. The evilness was definitely more potent now that… uh, _Lenny_ had left.

At that moment, Ivan walked in. "Yao, gosling!" He kissed Yao on the cheek. "Is something wrong? You look a little pale, da. You should sit down." Ivan led him to Busby's chair as he started yelling.

"Ivan, no!" Sarah cried just in time to save Yao. Yao was about two inches above the chair, and holding onto Ivan's scarf for dear life. That's how Sarah knew that Ivan really loved Yao; he was the only one besides Katyusha who had ever been allowed to touch his scarf.

Yao sighed with relief as Ivan put him back on his feet. "That's Busby's chair, aru," he explained.

"Gosling, that's just a myth. There's nothing to be scared of, da."

"I am _not_ sitting there. Ever," he insisted.

Ivan sighed. "I'll show you." He sat down as Sarah cried out in protest. "See? There is nothing to worry about."

The chair proceeded to blow up beneath him. "Hmm?" Ivan pondered as he stood up. "That is strange, da. That has been happening to me quite frequently lately."

Sarah was white as a ghost. "No…" she groaned. "Uncle Artie is going to _kill_ me when he finds out…."

"It's fine, aru. I'm sure he will understand."

"Oh yes, I'm _so_ sure that he will openly embrace the idea of Ivan destroying his ultimate weapon _for the third time!_" Sarah was sure Yao would see reason.

"Meh," Yao shrugged. "Ivan feels like killing things, aru, and the chair is one of them."

Sarah stared at her with her jaw open. "Wait—wha—? We're _encouraging_ his thirst for blood?"

As she was saying that, Ludwig came in with one of the worst people to place in front of Ivan when he was in a sadistic mood: Gilbert.

Sarah jumped up and attempted to hide Gilbert under a table in the room, crying, "He's gonna fricking KILL you, East!" Confused, Ludwig opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but closed it when Sarah shot him a look that said, _Don't ask._

Ivan gently pushed Sarah aside to look under the table, only to find that Gilbert was gone. "Gilbert… Come out, da…" He began to chant, "Kolkolkol…"

Sarah turned to Yao. "Can we please _not_ kill Gilbert today?"

As Ivan continued his search, and his creepy chanting, Yao shook his head at him. "Oh well, aru. He'll give up eventually."

"I certainly hope so; it would be 'very unawesome' if Gilbert was attacked today."

"Well, I can't stop him, aru!" Yao cried. "He won't listen to me sometimes, aru."

"Well, do try to restrain him," Sarah begged. She then tugged on Ludwig's sleeve. "Ludwig, _please_ get your brother out of here."

Ludwig looked as though he'd just been pulled out of a trance. "Why?"

"Why? Well, I don't know. BECAUSE HE'S GONNA DIE, THAT'S WHY!_" _Sarah yelled.

"Nuuu, Ivan! Nuu!" Yao hopped on Ivan's back and, by some miracle, knocked him over. Seeing the opportunity, Gilbert clambered up from under a table and ran out with a frantic, "Later, guys!"

Sarah sighed with relief. "Well, at least Gilbert got out." She looked up to see Ivan glaring murderously at her. It was about then that she realized that she was just a measly state among nations. "Eh heh heh…" she laughed nervously, hiding behind Ludwig. "Please don't kill me…"

"Don't be silly!" Yao cried, letting Ivan up. "As long as I'm around, aru, Ivan won't kill anyone!" He looked more cheery than was really appropriate for the situation. Ivan, meanwhile, continued to glare at Ludwig and Sarah.

Sarah heard Alfred in the hallway and nervously called, "Dad? Please come here. Dad? I kind of need you…" When Alfred didn't respond, she yelled, "Dad!"

Alfred came in, shoving a whole burger in his mouth. "Mphh!"He cried before swallowing. "Hey Sarah! What's up?"

Sarah wanted to facepalm at her father's inability to read the atmosphere. "Dad, could you give Mr. Ivan the vodka I bought for him?"

"Hmm? Isn't that supposed to be for Christm—?"

"Time is a factor, Dad." Sarah cringed behind Ludwig as Ivan stood up, still staring daggers into the two.

Alfred pulled out a vodka bottle from the inside of his bomber jacket, gave it to a suddenly giddy Ivan, and left. Ivan, overjoyed, took the vodka and sat down. Sarah was relieved as Ivan downed the vodka, knowing that the memory of Gilbert was being drowned in alcohol.

"I've never liked his drinking habits, aru," Yao sighed, seeming irritated with Sarah.

"Whatever works," Sarah justified. Then, feeling guilty for feeding Ivan's addiction, she went to her bag and brought out a sunflower that she actually _had_ picked specifically for Ivan. "Ivan? I thought you'd like this… They grow all over the place in my land!"

He took the sunflower with a genuine boyish smile, and smelled it. "So pretty, da," he commented, putting down an empty vodka bottle. "I will visit your land often, then, when everyone becomes one with Mother Russia, da?"

Sarah, disturbed by this image, silently thanked God that he had forgotten about Gilbert.

"Gosling, look at the pretty sunflower!" he said eagerly to Yao, who smiled.

"Very pretty," Yao agreed.

Ivan handed the flower to Yao. "You can have it, da."

As Sarah tried to conceal a squeal of joy at the cute scene—After all, who would have thought anyone would ever find Ivan cute, or that he would have a cute moment?—Yao said, "Well, at least he has a soft side, aru."

"Least, da… yeast…" Ivan mused to himself. "Beast, priest, east…" He suddenly stopped smiling. "East?... Gilbert…"

Sarah's heart sank as he rose, remembering his original conquest. "Nuu, love, aru!" Yao cried as he tried (unsuccessfully) to keep Ivan seated.

"What on Earth is going on?" Ludwig asked Sarah, more than a little confused by the events taking place before him.

"I can only hope that Gilbert is far, far away by now." Sarah took Ludwig's hand, finding comfort there.

"Nope!" An unmistakable voice called from the window. Gilbert proceeded to climb through the window. "I'm right here, 'cause I'm awes—OH GOD DON'T KILL ME!" Gilbert cried as he dodged a fatal swing from a drunken Ivan.

Sarah jumped between the two men as Yao tried to reason, "Well, Gilbert, at least he doesn't have a bottle, aru!" Ivan began cursing in Russian. "I love you, Ivan, aru!" Yao cried, tugging at Ivan's hand. "Please don't kill Gilbert, aru, for Ludwig's sake at least!"

"Um, Ivan?" Sarah spoke up. "The 'kol'ing is kinda creeping me out…"

At this, Ivan snapped and began choking Gilbert. Yao yelled, "IVAN! NO! GET YOUR ASS OFF HIM, NOW!" Ivan turned to look at the Chinese man, frightened at his tone. Yao never yelled. Not even when he was bad as a child.

He felt hands tugging at his, and turned to see Sarah trying to remove his hands from Gilbert's neck. "Damn, you have a strong grip!" she grunted through her teeth. "Ludwig, help?" Ludwig nodded, and did so, but success what not obtained.

Infuriated, Yao said, "Ivan, aru, if you do not let him go _this instant,_ I swear I will not become one with you!" Ivan dropped Gilbert immediately, straightening himself and looking as though he was just slapped in the face. "I'm sorry for his behavior," Yao apologized to Gilbert.

"What did I just hear?" Sarah demanded, her hands on her hips. "Did you just say that you and Ivan are becoming one? As in, _married_? Why was I not informed, or better yet, asked to be your maid of honor? Some best friend _you _are."

"Well, it's not _official_ yet… but, maybe?" Yao looked expectantly up at Ivan, who would not meet his gaze.

"Yeah, well, I—." Sarah was cut off by Ludwig, who hugged her from behind and clapped one hand over her mouth.

"WHAAAAT? Tell me, aru!" Yao said as Ivan hugged him, hoping he would forget the whole marriage deal.

Ludwig forced a smile. "Oh, she was just going to vent some more. But there's no point in arguing, right?"

That was when Yao caught sight of the pretty ring on Sarah's left hand. "What is _this_, aru?" He grabbed Sarah's hand and appraised the ring as Ludwig released Sarah with a groan. "Do you _see_ this, Ivan? THIS?" Ivan tried to ignore Yao as he glared at him.

"I think we started a fight…" Sarah admitted guiltily.

Gilbert chose this as the time to speak up. "Oi, Ivan! West here proposed before you! He must have bigger balls than you, which wouldn't surprise me 'cause he's related to the awesome me!"

Sarah and Yuan looked terrified as Ludwig chastised, "East, you're going to start another fight! And don't expect me to bail you out when you act so foolishly!"

Ivan began his chant again, and Yao was desperate to avoid further conflict. "Uh, Ivan, aru, it's okay that I don't have a ring, just don't kill Gilbert!" Ignoring him, Ivan was surrounded by a purple aura. "Uh oh… not good!" Yao exclaimed.

Sarah suddenly made strange hand signs. "Corn field style!" Her hands locked together as she cried, "Transport no Jutsu!"

"Really? A Naruto reference? How unaweso—!" Gilbert was cut off when Sarah hit the ground, and he disappeared.

"Being modeled after the authoress, anything goes!" Sarah claimed.

Ludwig, Ivan, and Yao seemed equally disturbed by this. "Um, okay, aru," Yao broke the silence. "At least Ivan can't kill him, aru. Gives me more time to ask about that ring!" He smiled brightly up at Ivan, who sighed.

"But you don't need one, gosling," he tried to reason. His words were met with another cold stare from Yao.

"I think you deserve a ring, Yao," Sarah told her close friend.

Arthur was walking by the conference room just in time to see Ludwig carrying a frantic and flailing Sarah out of the room, and heard Yao scream, "YOU SEE? BECOME ONE WITH ME, IVAN!"

And Ivan ran out after the first two.

"I'm not so sure I want to know," Iggy grumbled to himself as he walked away.

**A/N: Yayy! Haha this is what happens when my best friend and I miss each other, text, and talk about Hetalia. No joke.**

** So I'm thinking I may start a Bleach story. Or maybe one based off Godchild. Idk, just food for thought. Anyway, I'm going to post chapters here whenever something funny happens that reminds me of Hetalia.**

** Yao may be out of character, but my best friend evah, **_**Sapphire's Twilight**_**, is the basis for Yao here. She and her bf of two years call themselves Russia and China. So that's kind of why my Yao in my one-shot for RoChu was female, named Yuan.**

** Anywayzzz, thanks for reading, catch you later!**


	2. facebook quiz

"So let me get this straight," I clarified. "I am Norway, Sapphire's Twilight is Russia, and Mari Higa is America?"

Saph nodded. "Da."

"Facebook quiz said so! It _must_ be true!" Mari exclaimed.

I resisted the urge to facepalm. "Mari, you CAN'T be America. Neither of your siblings is quiet enough to be Canada. And might I point out that, originally, we matched ourselves to Hetalia characters based on our personalities. I was Canada, Saph was China, and you were… wait, who WERE you?"

"I was Japan."

"SEE? That makes more sense for you! You're quiet, a very hard worker, and only show your yaoi fangirl-ism to us, your closest friends."

"But it wasn't Facebook official!"

I facepalmed. "You know what? You're America."

* * *

Based on a conversation that never happened, but a Facebook quiz that did.

So, this is my newest creation. I took the idea from someone else, to be honest, and I just felt like doing it. Nezumi Neko was the first to do Hetalia one-shots like this.

Just send me words and I'll try to write fanfictions based on them. K thanks! :D


	3. 24 Sussex Drive

"Guys, I went in my dictionary last night to find a word I was looking for…" Norway began.

"Da?" Russia prodded for him to continue.

"Well, in the dictionary it had the address for the Canadian Prime Minister. It was really weird."

America grinned. "What's the address?"

"24 Sussex Drive. Why?"

America began to walk away. "If you'll excuse me, I have to buy some toilet paper and eggs."

* * *

No, seriously, I found it in my dictionary. O.o I was creeped out.

Internet still not working, but I shall continue sneaking onto my brother's computer when he is not home.

Also, keep sending words pleeeeease! And thank you~!


	4. Yellow Glitter Pen

Prussia snickered, sneaking into Germany's room. He knew exactly where West kept his diary, and was ready to invade the German's personal business.

As per usual, he flipped from the front page to the one he had last read, and was surprised to find more than the normal black pen marks.

Three big chunks of words took up the page, all in glitter marker. The first section was green; the second, purple; and the third, orange. The page read as follows:

The yellow marker has gone AWOL!

Oh Noes!

MY ROOM ATE MY YELLOW GLITTER PEN!

Prussia closed the diary slowly, put it back in its spot, and walked away. He decided he'd rather not know.

* * *

A/N: This did happen! Only my bro was looking through my sketch book and was like, "okayyyyy…"

He and I are like Germany and Prussia. I am the younger, way more responsible, and sort-of uptight one. My brother is the laid-back, wild, childish, older sibling. We're cosplaying as these two at ACen this year. :D

Keep sending words~!


	5. Sex Position

It was a (somewhat) peaceful day in England's house. Canada had come to visit, always a polite and quiet boy. This had caused England to miss his boyfriend, America, and he called the loud nation so he could get his daily dose of chaos.

As America was always loud on the phone, Canada could hear him easily over the phone, even though he was surfing the web on England's laptop.

America and England somehow got onto the topic of sex, and England somehow managed to mention 69. The conversation went downhill from there.

"Dude, do you even _know_ what 69 is?" America demanded.

"Of course I do!" England exclaimed, piquing Canada's curiosity.

"Oh, really? Then what is it, Iggy?"

"I'm not going to SAY it!"

"Ha! You _don't_ know, do you?"

"Yes I do!"

"Then what is it?"

With a very red face, England shouted, "It's a sex position, you git!"

"YOU'RE a sex position!"

Canada ran out of the room, crying tears of laughter.

* * *

**A/N: Before anyone attacks me, I support ALL pairings. I like FrUK, CanadaXUSA, whatever you can think of. Even weird ones. This conversation actually happened and I thought that Iggy and America were best suited to carry it out.**

**The "YOU'RE a sex position!" line, however, was just a mistake on my part. The person who this story was based off of actually said something else, but that's what I thought he said. I was dying laughing.**


	6. Bleach 414

Canada checked his favorite manga, Bleach, for updates. Upon seeing that chapter 414 had come out, he immediately clicked the link to read it.

His face showed many emotions as he read. First was anxiety, then relief, then horror, then, finally, sadness.

America walked in as Canada read the last panel.

"OH GOD ICHIMARU WHY!" Canada cried out in a whisper.

"Um," America intruded, "aren't we supposed to live in a strange alternate world where history is enacted through a few select people? And in this world, there are only parodies of real objects and corporations, so as to not infringe on copyrights?"

At first Canada could not say anything. He then slowly turned to his brother and spoke.

"Way to break the fourth wall, Al."

A/N: Canada is me. This didn't happen, but if my brother had walked in on me reading Bleach he would have been like "Um, Scarlet? This didn't actually happen." So yeah.

Keep on sending those words! And pleeease review!


	7. Alfred's Christmas Wish

"I want a hippopotamus for Christmas~ Only a hippopotamus would do~!" America sang gaily.

"Al, first off, it's August. Stop singing Christmas songs. Second, who on Earth would want a hippopotamus for Christmas?" Canada asked wearily.

"I do!"

There was a long pause before Canada spoke. He had to collect his thoughts for this one.

"Al… _why_… for the love of _God_… do you want a hippopotamus?"

"They're really cool, Mattie! Think about it! They just lounge in the pool all day, nothing messes with them, and the other animals don't care that they're fat! Hippos are so awesome, and I want one!"

Canada tried to argue his logic, but settled with shaking his head with a sigh and walking away.

A/N: I asked my mom for a random object, and she gave me "hippopotamus".

Well, actually, first she threw a pocket calculator/alarm clock thing at me, because I told her to GIVE me a random object. I clarified that I wanted a WORD, not an actual OBJECT. My mom and I are a little slow sometimes.


	8. Cupcake Troubles

Norway was surfing through one of his favorite websites, FanFiction, when he happened to stumble across an M-Rated fiction. It was titled "Blame the Cupcake" and it was supposedly about two fellow nations, Germany and Italy.

The summary held a warning that anyone who read the story would never be able to look at cupcakes the same way again. Norway's curiosity was piqued; now he HAD to read it.

Ten minutes later he was staring blankly at the screen, his eyes wide with horror and blood trickling from his nose. He was considerably paler than before, and his breathing and heart rates were high.

Denmark came in with a big smile. "Hey, Norge," he called, "I made us some cupcakes! They're confetti with white frosting! You want som—?" He was cut off when Norway ran past him with a scream to lock himself in his room.

Denmark shrugged. "Eh, more for me, I guess."

A/N: THIS STORY EXISTS! I discovered it in a search for *cough*naughty*cough* GerIta fanfiction, and found this. It scarred me horribly, I couldn't eat cupcakes for a week. Then I proceeded to have my friends read it, and ruined their innocence in the process! :D Hooray for tainting the minds of friends!

But on a serious note, DO NOT READ IT if you love cupcakes. People SAY cupcake around me and a get chills. Don't say I didn't warn you.


	9. Tank

"Oh, God, tank tank tank _tank_ TANK!" Alfred cried as he and Matthew curled in on themselves and pushed the joysticks on their controllers as far as they would go. They were playing Left 4 Dead on Xbox 360, and said super-sized zombie had spawned as they ran away in their game.

As if to mock him, Alfred's character, Bill, screamed, "TANK!" Alfred turned Bill around to launch a molotov at the behemoth as Canada pushed Zoey to just keep running.

The tank knocked down Louis and Francis, who were computer-controlled for this campaign. As their teammates screamed to be let up, Alfred and Matthew kept making their characters run away from the tank. Eventually the flames from the Molotov killed the giant zombie, causing the North American brothers to let out a sigh of relief.

They helped up their teammates, allowed them time to heal themselves with first-aid kits, and moved on with the level. When they began to hear the crying and moaning of the witch, Matthew froze.

"Flashlights off," he reminded Alfred. The American obeyed, and cracked a smile.

"Hey, Louis," he said to the console, "go startle the witch."

Louis then went fearlessly into the room where the witch sat and stood next to her until she screamed and killed him. Alfred paused the game as the screen read "Louis startled the witch" and looked over at Matthew.

The brothers fell over in a fit of laughter.

A/N: TRUE STORY. Louis always startles the witch when my brother and I play Left 4 Dead, and it started when I commanded him to do so the first time I played. Ever since, he always does it.

Also, my bro and I get REALLY into the game when we play. I'm not much of a gamer, as that is really the only video game I play, along with Dynasty Warriors and Fallout 3. So he gets really excited when we play L4D, since we usually can't relate with video games.


End file.
